EXCERPTS FROM BOOK AND
THE QUESTIONNAIRE
ANGER AS IDENTITY
"Who
would I be without my anger"?
Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can become crystallized into their identity - a tough guy, a bully, a smart alleck, warrior, a martyr, etc. This identity that they assume becomes armor around them, justifying their anger and also protecting them from retribution from others. Once this identity becomes habitual and set in stone, the individuals forget it is something they have taken on, much like an actor plays a role on stage. They begin to feel it is who they truly are and soon have no idea who they would be without it. This falsely entity then blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility, communication and intimacy hey desire.
"I'm not letting her
walk all over me," he'd balk whenever she expressed her needs or upsets.
Rather than listening to what his wife said he immediately took it as criticism.
"Is she trying to tell me I'm inadequate?" he'd demand. The war was
on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power struggle. From Roger's
point of view his very life was at stake here. He felt he had to protect his
identity as a man at all costs. "I'm a tough guy," he said, over and
over.
However, as long as Roger held onto being "a tough guy", there
was no hope of working through his problems or of his even really understanding
what was going on. His strong identification with being tough prevented him from
listening, reaching out or realizing that his wife's needs and feelings might
have had nothing at all to do with him. He
wasn't available to finding a solution or to allowing the truth of his own self
to come through. These are some of the consequences when anger, fear and
justification (three sides of the same coin), turns into our sense of who we
are.
Unfortunately, some of the identities that anger hides behind are socially approved, applauded and encouraged. In some circles it is considered wonderful to be so competitive and ambitious that you'll do anything to win and climb up the ladder. It may not matter how many people's throats get cut along the way, or how much damage is done in the process. The winner takes all and receives admiration, applause or adulation.
However, thinking,
"I am a winner, and
identifying with that label creates another false sense of oneself. As a
"winner", the individual feels powerful, better and stronger than
others. As the winner they block
out the reality of what they may have done to get to there, or the effects their
actions have had on others.
There are other drawbacks as well. When we identify
with a role, title, or label there is never a long-term sense of security. Soon
someone comes along to challenge the title and the winner then becomes anxious
and fearful of losing his fragile title, fearful of turning into the loser and
losing his temporary sense of himself.
Beyond that, it
is impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have put forth. "As you
sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior under the guise
of being the Winner, a Tough Guy, or whatever, it is absolutely inevitable that
we will experience the consequences of our thoughts, actions and deeds. The
false sense of identity blinds us to this temporarily, and this is a danger we
must recognize. This is why it is so very important to be in touch, moment by
moment with the full context of the situation we are living in.
Identities Anger Assumes
Following are some other ways in which anger
cloaks and expresses itself. You
may be surprised to notice some identities you have either taken on, or have
been at the effect of: The
Controller, The Tease, The Helpless Person, The Martyr or Victim, The Perfect
Person, (Perfectionist), The Power Broker, The Intrusive And Overly Solicitous
Friend. Add some of your own to the list now and take a moment to see the
effects of this role that you are assuming.
Here's an example of the ways in which some of
these different identities play themselves out.
The Controller
The Controller may appear
to have extra strength, knowledge and the ability to take charge. Many are
willing to have him take over and lead them to success. On the surface it seems
beneficial and the controller may argue that he controls you for your own
ultimate good - only wants the best for all concerned. While this may be true on
one level, it is his idea of what is good for you that you are succumbing too. In
this way the one being controlled relinquishes their own sense of themselves and
what is right for them.
There are other
prices to be paid for this as well. When one feels he must or can control
others, beneath this attitude lays disrespect. There is based upon feeling that
others are not up to taking charge of their own lives and can be moved around
according to the controller's wishes. Not only is he/she not seeing the best in them but he/she is
relating to others as objects, rather than as equal individuals. The implicit
message the controller gives is that he/she is better (wiser, stronger) than you
and that you need him/her. This fosters both a sense of dependency and
inadequacy. It creates a feeling in others that they lack the ability to make
their own choices or use their own natural abilities. It is never healthy to be
controlled, no matter how weak we may feel. The greatest kindness anyone can
give you is to help you find the strength within and stand on your own two feet.
The Tease
Another example
of anger assuming a different identity is the Tease. This may also be called the
flirt, charmer or seducer - in the most extreme form this is the con man. This
individual is charming, delightful, full of smiles. You feel good in their
presence. Some exude a charisma that creates a feeling of happiness and
excitement within. The Tease is offering you something, stirring your heart,
enticing your imagination, luring you in. Whether spoken or unspoken a promise
is being made.
But how often is
this promise fulfilled? What is it that the Tease is asking for in exchange for
this promise they are offering? So many people pay well up front to find
themselves left empty handed.
Each identity
that is motivated by anger has a different scenario. When we are in touch with our own nature
directly, when we are free of being trapped by our own anger, we can see things
for what they are, and not get caught by the games other play.
Preparation 2
Exercise: Taking The Mask Off:
1) List
some roles you play that are fueled by anger. Write out the ways in which this
plays out with others. Just take a look at what happens without self-blame.
2) List
some ways you are caught by the roles played by others. Again, write out the ways in which this
happens. Take time to let it sink in.
3) Write
out a little scenario for each of these roles. Take time to see what messages,
requests,
demands and attitudes you are giving out and receiving as well. Are they
healthy for you and those you interact with?
This exercise may seem more difficult than it is.
Just do it step by step. New thoughts and ideas about it will come to you, day
by day. As you are simply living your life, insight and awareness will also
arrive.
ADDICTION
TO ANGER
"In my mind are thoughts that can hurt or
help me. I am
constantly choosing the contents of my mind."
Dr.
Gerald Jampolsky
It is easy to become addicted. Addiction is a complex process, which is built into human
experience in many ways. We are all creatures of habit. Habits and routines
provide a sense of certainty, security and stability in our lives. Many identify
themselves with these routines and habits. When they are disrupted their sense
of well being becomes threatened.
When we depend
upon a habit for our sense of well being, it is easy for it to develop into an
addiction. We feel that without this particular habit, (action, feeling,
substance or person), we cannot get by. Anxiety develops, and we begin to crave
a feeling good again. Before we know it, we will do anything to fulfill this
craving. At this point we are dependent upon the habit, associating it with our
well being, using it in a way it was not intended for. (Along with habits, we can become
addicted to anything, dreams, fantasies, people, feelings, activities - whatever
brings relief to us.)
By now our habit
has turned into an addiction and prevents us from living freely. We feel we
cannot go forward without our habit. Our choices, actions and relationships can
be taken over by it. Although we feel good for a short while, the consequences
of addictions, the price we pay for them are vast and usually unrecognized.
There are many
ways of being addicted and many purposes an addiction serves. Addiction to anger
is one of the most common and lethal addictions, and one most seldom recognized.
Like addiction to alcohol or drugs, the addict feels good in the beginning,
becomes hooked by anger and then gradually as the addiction grows, it consumes
more and more of their lives, producing painful consequences.
The best way to
undo an addiction is to look it squarely in the face, see how it operates, when
it arises, how it maneuvers, the lies it tells us, the false promises it offers
and the huge costs we pay for it. Once we understand the process of addiction
fully, the next step is to undo the fear the keeps it going - to handle the need
behind it fuels it. In this way we take the power back over our own lives.
To begin this
process, we will look at some of the functions addiction serves.
Functions of Addictions
When we are
addicted, all we can think about is our addiction, about getting another
"hit". Our focus and attention narrows, many aspects of life are
blocked out. This itself is soothing to many. As focus narrows it numbs us and
blocks out painful feelings and experiences that we may not wish to deal with.
At this point the addiction is serving as a defense against pain and anxiety. It
is preventing us from seeing and dealing with issues, which need to be attended
to. While this presents temporary relief, the situation behind the addiction,
the fuel which feeds it, festers and intensifies.
Addictions
also provide a sense of pleasure, power, of being high, mighty and invincible.
(A defense against the feelings of helplessness and inadequacy many feel).
Despite the fact that these good feelings the addiction produces are temporary,
the craving for them can become so intense that the person becomes blind to
consequences of their addiction. They also become blind to the fact that as the
addiction develops, the dosage increases - they inevitably require more and more
of it to feel okay. Not only does the dosage increase, but so does the negative
impact upon their lives. Many become slaves to their addiction. Little by little
it takes everything away.
Addiction
provides a false sense of security. All the while an addiction is running, it
makes the individual feel safe and secure. The reality, however, is those
addictions destroy an individual’s true safety. It blinds them from doing what
needs to be done to build a life of true value and stability.
Lenny was
usually a mild mannered man who withdrew when faced with conflict and troubling
situations. He feared speaking up, feared hurting others and feared being in the
wrong. As a result, his work life suffered. He was passed over for promotions
and despite his fine skills, relegated to lower level tasks. During one office conflict, when his
immediate boss was present, something inside Lenny flipped over. "I
couldn't take it anymore," he said. "I felt my face get red and then
just opened my mouth and let everyone know where I stood in no uncertain
terms." To Lenny's amazement,
rather than being censored for his outburst, he was respected. People started to
look at him with new eyes, as someone to be reckoned with.
This
was Lenny's first experience with anger. He liked it. It provided a sense of
power and strength that had been lacking. Afterwards he felt better as well.
Soon he became hooked. Rather than deal with his feelings about himself and
learn constructive ways of relating to others, Lenny began to depend upon having
outbursts. (The way children can depend upon having tantrums). Lenny's outburst
stopped his co-workers in their tracks, dominated the situation, and gained him
the attention he had long desired. Soon Lenny began trying this at home as well.
Despite the upset he generated around him, he got what he wanted.
Effects Of Addiction To
Anger
Before long,
Lenny was addicted to anger. In the beginning it gave him a feeling of strength.
He didn't even notice that his closer friends and family were withdrawing from
him. He didn't connect the anger with the new difficulty he'd developed with his
digestion or the bad dreams he was having. Lenny soon began to feel that without
the anger, he would be vulnerable, used, passed by. He needed the anger for his
very life. And he was willing to pay the price.
When we are
angry we often have a temporary feeling of strength, energy,
righteousness,
power, authority or control. Much like alcohol, the surge of anger, which takes
over, can block out fears, inhibitions and doubts. There is a temporary sense of
freedom and empowerment that we normally lack.
Anger can also
block out logical thought processes, producing a sense that we are absolutely
right. When some are angry, there is no room for wavering, and they feel no need
to. Some individuals who have
trouble making decisions can make them easily then. They do not realize that it
is not they who are making the
decisions, but the anger they are host to. Decisions made while angry are often
unilateral and focus only upon a limited aspect of the entire situation. These
kinds of decisions rarely provide positive outcomes.
Anger provides a
sense of justification. Many actions that might seem unacceptable when calm seem
perfectly fine when we are angry. Anger also encourages us to blurt out negative
thoughts and feelings we may have been holding in that might have better gone
left unsaid. Of course, after the
surge of anger passes, it is difficult to take these words back. Even if we
apologize the after effects remain. Although it might have felt good to speak
out while angry, a little later on when reality dawns, there is often a sense of
regret. In one way or another we have to pay for what we have done.
Anger
Diet Preparation
The exercises offered in the introductory chapters can be considered
preparation for the diet itself. They place the subject of anger in a larger
context and give us some time to till the soil of our mind and heart - to
understand the need for and get ready to embark upon the actual diet itself.
Though simple, these exercises are powerful and effective. They will help you
look into your life and begin the process of uprooting the anger within.
Preparation 1 - Automatic Anger
List the times in which you feel angry or upset automatically. What person, thoughts, memory or situation brings this up? For now, just notice this and write it down. As you go through the day, if another one strikes you, step back and notice it, and write it down as well. Rather than reacting blindly, we are taking time here to just look
ANGER DIET QUESTIONNAIRE
HOW
CALM ARE YOU DURING HARD TIMES?
Brenda
Shoshanna, Ph.D.
YOUR ANGER QUOTIENT
Rate yourself on each item from 1 – 5
1 is lowest, 5 is highest
When Trouble Comes:
Do you immediately expect the worse?
Do you look for someone to blame?
Do you begin to wonder what you did to cause this?
Do you become frozen?
Do you feel doomed?
Do you quickly look for others to take over?
Do you run away from what’s going on?
Do you turn to substances to feel better?
Do you fantasize about things being different or just hope they will work out?
Do you refuse to communicate your feelings to others, openly and honestly?
Do you pretend everything is fine?
Do you bottle up your anger?
Do you express your anger by withdrawing, and refusing to do what’s needed?
Do you hold onto grudges?
Do you plot ways to get back at the person, seek revenge?
Do you give others a piece of your mind – act out your feelings?
Do you undermine others behind their back?
Do you have to win every battle?
Do you always have to be better than others?
Do you have to control the entire situation?
Do you make someone else feel guilty?
Do you back out of plans or renege on your word?
Score
22-35
Anger Master:
You are fully in charge of your anger. It is well
integrated. in your life.
36-60
Anger Balancer:
For the most part you have balanced your anger. However, there are spots here to
be watched and handled.
61-80
Anger Addict:
Anger has a larger grip on your life than is safe for you and healthy. Attention
needed to large parts of your life.
81-110
Anger Victim:
You are a victim of your anger. It is over-running your life. Professional help suggested.